


The Me Inside of Me

by reckedkarnstein



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, Bottom Cheryl Blossom, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Cheryl Blossom Needs a Hug, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Girlfriends - Freeform, I suck at tags, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Cheryl Blossom, Protective Toni Topaz, Sad Cheryl Blossom, Toni Topaz Needs a Hug, Top Toni Topaz, choni, choni smut, hit me with some good prompts, i suck at descriptions, sad shit, soft, we are working together to write this masterpiece
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 07:56:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18567154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reckedkarnstein/pseuds/reckedkarnstein
Summary: What happens when The HBIC lets down her walls? Will the two of them finally open up about their past?





	1. Chapter 1

Cheryl Blossom was the HBIC of riverdale high, which meant she couldn’t let anyone in, let anyone know the pain she was feeling inside. She had been drugged and almost raped, beaten by her mother, lost her brother, tried to kill herself, almost killed by the black hood, but she couldn’t let anyone know how damaged she was. That all changed when she met a serpent, her serpent, named Toni Topaz. She always felt like she could talk to her, but she had never talked about her past to her girlfriend. As things happened, they talked about them, but they never went back in time. Her friends always tried to open her up, but she refused, no one but Toni could get in. 

Cheryl was sitting in the student lounge, going on her laptop on the couch. Her cousin Betty, and her friends Veronica and Kevin were nearby. She aimlessly scrolled through Instagram and Twitter, not even knowing what she was looking for. All of the sudden, a notification popped up in the corner of her screen. ‘Nick Sinclair has requested to follow you’ it read. Cheryl started to bite her perfectly manicured nails, just staring at the notification, frozen. Veronica was first to notice, it wasn’t like Cheryl to bite her nails. The raven haired girl went over to the redhead, looking at her screen. She wrapped her arms around Cheryl, who was now shaking. She hadn’t shed a tear yet, but she was close. 

“You’re ok,” Veronica said, but Cheryl just kind of pushed her away. She leaned back into the couch. “Is this what a panic attack feels like?” She mumbled. Veronica nodded a little and tried to comfort her. Kevin slowly closed her laptop so she didn’t have to keep looking at the dreaded name, but she was just getting worse. Betty tried to hug her, but she just kept shaking, tears finally falling down her cheeks. That was when it came to Veronica. “Betty, go get Toni” she told her. Betty nodded and went off, searching for Toni everywhere she thought she might be.

Toni Topaz was the epitome of comfort, at least she thought she was in the eyes of her girlfriend. There weren’t many times in their relationship were Toni relied on the comfort of the one and only redhead girl. And that was an okay thing because she never wanted that. Cheryl always came first in Toni’s eyes. Toni would forever put her girlfriend before her. 

There had been many things that the two of them had gone through, whether it be together or seperate. They had both endured their set of hardships. Toni had always wondered how cheryl kept everything so tightly packed away. I was as if everything that happened to her never did. Her emotions were shown through when they were together but around others it was almost cold and hard. It was her way of hiding, Toni was understanding but she really wished her girlfriend would just have a good cry every once in awhile. 

Toni was taking her sweet ass time to make her way down the hall and into the lounge that their friends usually hung out in before school and during breaks. Everyone knew that was their space and didn’t dare try and invade it. 

Toni was chatting with some of the Pretty Poisons as she walked down the hall. A few irrelevant questions thrown into the air and Toni was more than happy to answer. It had been great to feel like a leader of something. Even though she was basically kicked out from her family as was glad to something that was hers now. It would never compare but she was glad for the thought from her girlfriend. She loved them and her nonetheless. 

But here Toni was being quickly pulled away from her talk with the girl by an out of breath Betty. She had an almost scared look on her and face and Toni dreaded the words that were about to leave the blonde haired girls mouth. When Cheryl's name left her mouth Toni was already off down the hallway in the direction that Betty had come from. Toni all about ran into the lounge that they hung out in. She had no clue what was going on but she knew something was wrong with Cheryl. 

She skidded to a halt at the door of the lounge. She walked into and her eyes found her girlfriend. Their friends were huddled around her, Toni assumed trying to be supportive but Cheryl looked like she was suffocating. Toni dropped her bag and approached her girlfriend. 

“Guys back up.” she said to their friends. It may have came out a little more harshly than was meant. They looked at her with a confused look but the glare Toni sent back was enough for them to move away. 

Cheryl sat on the couch with her eyes trained in front of her, almost as if she was out of it. Her hands shook and tears fell down her face. 

Toni kneeled down on the floor in front of Cheryl. She didn’t touch her girlfriend because she didn't know how she would react to touch right now and didn't want this to become worse. Toni placed herself right in Cheryl’s eyesight. 

“Hey...babe..?” She tried to question her to see if she could get a response. 

Cheryl sat in her spot, her eyes fixed on the spot where her laptop had been. When she heard her girlfriends voice, she was immediately washed over with comfort, but it only lasted for a second. She was damn lucky that Toni knew her so well, and got Veronica and Kevin to back off, because if she hadn’t, Cheryl might have ended up hitting one of them. She watched the pink haired serpent kneel down infront of her, hiccuping between sobs.

“T-i-....he- I’m-“ she stuttered, trying to get the words out “nih-“ she kept trying but just settled on saying “Toni….” sadly. She finally moved her eyes from their fixed position to look at her girlfriend. 

Toni decided that now she was going to try and place her hand against her girlfriends knee. She slowly reached forward, watching her girlfriends face for any sign of discomfort, and placed her hand on Cheryl’s knee. 

“You don’t have to speak right now it’s okay…” she gave her a sad look and a small nod. “I just want you to focus on me okay? Everyone in this room cares about you. We are here for you. Nothing is going to happen to you right now. You’re safe.” Toni just wanted to try and calm Cheryl’s nerves a bit.

Cheryl placed her hand over Toni’s on her knee, letting her know it was ok to touch her. She was always ok with her girlfriend giving her physical contact, but right now she didn’t want anyone besides her to touch her. 

“I need you” she whispered shakily, almost helplessly. She was still barely able to move, and then the class bell rang she didn’t know what to do. It definitely scared her, and it made her feel like she had to go to class, so it almost set her off again. She started shaking again, not even having anymore tears. She grabbed onto Toni’s hand, squeezing it tightly.

Toni wasn't sure what to do in the moment. She looked at her girlfriend confused. “What would you like me do to baby?” she questioned hoping to get a response.

The bell had rung and their friends were still hanging back and watching the interaction between the two of them. Toni removed her gaze from watching Cheryl to her friends faces. “Go to class….its fine” she tried to tell them before Veronica wanted to butt in with a, “We want to stay until she’s okay.” Toni replied with a, “I got this just go.” 

The three friends finally made their way out of the lounge and probably to whatever class they had this period. 

Toni turned her attention back to Cheryl. “What can I do for you baby...tell me?”

“Hold me” Cheryl mumbled, tugging on Toni’s sleeve. She felt like a small child, just wanting her girlfriend to hug her. She watched Toni climb onto the couch and wrap her arms around her. Cheryl relaxed into her girlfriend, calming down a little just by her touch. “Now never let go” she whispered, curling up into her. 

Cheryl finally closed her eyes, her panic attack starting to finish itself. She clung onto Toni, thankful the rest of her friends are no longer in the room.

“Now do you want to tell me what that was all about?” Toni finally decided to ask when she felt her girlfriend seem to calm down a bit. “No pressure though.” 

“I-yes, I will, just...give me a second” she said, burying her face in Toni’s chest.

“Take your time.” Toni replied as she wrapped her arms around the redheaded girl that had just previously buried herself into Toni’s chest. Toni rubbed gentle circles against Cheryl’s back.   
Toni thought about how this was a whole new experience for them. Cheryl had never broke down like she just had ever before. Toni was glad that she was able to let her emotions out but also scared about what had caused her to react so badly and why her body had chosen now as a good time to react to a situation. 

Cheryl slowly brought her head up to her girlfriends shoulder, definitely still shaken from her whole episode. She snaked her arm around Toni’s waist, holding onto her. “Before I met you, there was this guy...he was one of Veronica’s old friends, and we were all at a party. He got me a drink, and well…” her voice shook, trying not to go into a panic again, “he drugged me, and took me upstairs...and he tried to rape me” she said quickly “and Veronica saved me” she stuttered, using all of her strength to not break down again. 

She shook her head “no, it’s- its whatever...my mother says I was asking for it, and she’s probably right...I always wear all these tight clothes, and short skirts and low v necks...it’s just my fault….” she trailed off, lacing her and Toni’s fingers together as she buried her head in her shoulder. “Why do you even like me? I’m such an attention seeking whore” she mumbled.

Toni kept her arm wrapped around her girlfriends body, wanting to hold her tight and never let her go. This was the first time she had heard about what had happened between this dipshit and Cheryl. Sure she had heard his name and knew of the rich guy that came to visit the small town of riverdale but now she wanted to snap every bone in his body and watch him writhe in pain. But Toni needed to keep herself together and composed in the moment for Cheryl. Her girlfriend had finally opened up about something and she was kind of happy about that but the situation it had been about was nothing to be happy about. 

But she was mostly shocked and saddened by how cheryl felt about herself. 

“Hey, no no no…” Toni couldn't believe that her girlfriend could even say such things about herself. “First off, I’m sorry you had to go through that babe, but you didn't deserve any part of that. It was in no way your fault. You did nothing to ask for that. He was just a scumbag that decided to take advantage of you. There is nothing wrong with you. You didn't ask him to do that to you.” Toni took a moment to close her eyes and kiss the side of Cheryl's head. It took everything in her to try and not cry in the moment. She guided Cheryl’s head to lean against her chest, the sound of her heart beating being able to be heard from the redhead. She knows Cheryl like that. She loved to lay on top of Toni and listen to her heart at night. It was a comfort and Toni hoped it would help now. 

“You have right to wear whatever you please. A skirt and a low cut shirt is not an invitation.” Toni wore revealing clothing on the daily, because it's what she liked to wear, but the stares and whistles from guys were present. Toni wanted her girlfriend to be able to wear what she wanted also, without the need to think someone might try something. 

“And I don't like you Cheryl….. I love you. I love you for you and that for a fact is not anything close to an attention seeker. You're perfect the way you are and I never want you to change.” She spoke softly as she ran her hands over the silky red locks of Cheryl. 

Cheryl let herself be guided to lean her head on her girlfriends chest, relaxing a bit once the sound of Toni’s heartbeat could be heard. Her girlfriend knew her so well, and she loved her so much for that. She always found comfort in Toni’s heartbeat, it was almost like a home to her, and it never failed to calm her down, no matter how bad the situation was. 

She wrapped her arm around the smaller girls waist as she listened to Toni reassure her. “I guess you’re right….I definitely believe you over my dreadful mother at least” she sighed softly, just relaxing into her. “I love you too…” she swooned, smiling up at her knight in shining armor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni opens up about some of the abuse from her past...

Toni hadn’t let her girlfriend know much about her background. Just like Cheryl didn’t talk much about her past or things she went through, neither did Toni. She liked the idea of getting to keep it to herself. She had been through a lot and a lot of it consisted of rough times she didn’t wish to think about anymore. I was better to just brush the thoughts away and continue on with the good times she was living now. She had a beautiful relationship and a place to finally live that she was partially able to call hers. 

Toni was glad that she had moved schools because if she hadn’t she probably would have never came to be dating the HBIC that she was currently. Sure they maybe would have crossed paths but a friendship or anything beyond that probably would never have been attainable. 

The two girls had definitely added much to each other's lives. Much of it being for the better. The had bettered each other. Each of them bringing something to the table. 

So, Toni was glad she was finally free from her past and moving in the forward direction with her girlfriend. Or so she thought…..

Something Toni hadn’t thought about for awhile was her Uncle. Not only did he hate the fact that she dated girl’s, kick her out of the trailer when he felt like it, and drink away his life, but Toni also got the wrong side of his anger. Whether that be his fists or broken beer bottles Toni had endured it all. 

Being with Cheryl had taught Toni to not take anything for granted. Everyone had their hardships but she was glad to be out of a distressing situation. For the mean time she didn’t need to converse or go back to her uncle.

The two girls decided that they were going to stay home today, and just do whatever, maybe cuddle, maybe have sex, maybe study (which was unlikely but you never know), but they would just be together in the house all day, with the wonderful air conditioning. 

Cheryl was on her laptop on the couch, finishing up an essay that was supposed to be due yesterday, as her girlfriend leaned on her shoulder. She kept on typing, her nails clicking against the keys as she wrote her conclusion. 

“Andddd, done” she announced, smiling. She decided that she would finally give her girlfriend some love, after the hour and a half she had just spent watching Cheryl write. She started to pull her in to kiss her head and as Cheryl lifted her hand up near Toni, the pink haired girl cowered. Her hands went up to cover her face as she flinched. 

Toni let her hands fall down to her sides and had a scared look on her face. The look representing the feeling that she had just felt. Toni was almost waiting for the impact of Cheryl's hand. She knows that her girlfriend would never hit her but it was a reflex for the shorter girl. Seeing the concerned look and furrowed eyebrows of Cheryl, Toni tried to figure out a way to brush off what just happened. She didn't exactly want to go into it. She felt like it made her less than in someway, to be able to take the abuse for so long. She felt broken at the thought. 

“It was just a reflex.” She said with a shrug trying to busy herself. “I’m sorry Cher….”

“Hey, no” Cheryl told her, taking her hands in her own. “What’s wrong, are you ok?” She questioned. “Come here” she said softly, very slowly wrapping her arms around her, not wanting to scare her again. “Come talk to me babe”. 

Cheryl had always thought that her girlfriend was the toughest, most beautiful, most perfect person in the world. She had never seen her hurt, or scared, or weak. Deep down she knew that that wasn’t necessarily a good thing, because it probably meant that Toni wasn’t opening up to her, but she always found a sense of security in it. And then it hit her. She used to cower the same way when she was younger, before she got used to her mother hitting her. She would flinch whenever any of her friends would go to give her a high five or anything. 

“Toni, baby, is someone hitting you? Because if they are, I will destroy them” she said softly, rubbing small circles on her back.

“It's really nothing babe.” Toni shrugged as her arms stayed limp, not hugging Cheryl back. She was mostly just embarrassed in the moment. 

It wasn't that Toni didn't want to open up to her girlfriend, because believe me she did, it's just that she wanted to keep the strong and badass image that cheryl held of her right now. She thought that sharing all her scarring details would change that and change the way that her girlfriend would see her. 

“Toni.” Cheryl said, pulling her close for a second before tipping her girlfriend's head up towards her. “I know that reflex babe...all too well. And you aren’t just going to get out of telling me what’s happening, because I love you, and I’m here for you” she told her, her voice staying very gentle. “You know that I would never, ever hurt you right? If I ever even poke you too hard you have my full permission to beat my ass” she told her.

She very slowly started to raise her hand from Toni’s hip. “I’m going to put my hand on your cheek ok?” She waited for a go ahead and gently placed her hand on her girlfriends cheek and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips. “You don’t always have to be so tough all the time...you can relax with me” she whispered “I’m here for you TT, just like you’re here for me. My baggage is your baggage, and your baggage is mine.” 

She waited patiently for Toni to open up, rubbing her back with one hand as she held the pink haired serpent's hand with the other. 

The pink haired girl was still nervous to talk about her troubles but she was a little more willing to open up to her girlfriend after this conversation. Hearing that Cheryl knew that reflex broke her heart. She didn’t want to think about the girl that she loved, ever being hit. 

“I...I know you would never hurt me…..its just, an old reflex. Nothing is happening right now. Its fine.”

Toni was lying out of her ass to her girlfriend. 

“I love you more than I could’ve ever thought possible,” Toni whispers, her eyes squeezing shut because it’s true. “You are my everything, the reason I wake up in the morning to the reason why I can sleep peacefully at night, and sometimes I wish you would see just how much. I know you love me, but I don’t think you realize how much of myself I’ve found because of you, and I’m afraid if I lose you I’ll lose all of that too.”

“Toni where is all of this coming from?” She asked. “Hey, look at me” she said. Once Toni had looked up at her she kissed her passionately for a second. “You are never loosing me. I’m never going to leave you, not ever. You never have to worry about that.” She started her little Spiel “I’m in this for good Toni, you have me wrapped around your little finger. Like god you might as well marry me right now because I plan on it happening eventually either way! I want a life, and kids, and a dog, and - a...a freaking blender Toni I want to share a blender in our kitchen in our house and make like dried fruit and stuff and make our own baby food like hippies and I just- I want a life with you, so no you’re not losing me.” She finished, exasperated. “I love you god damnit” she chuckled “now tell me what’s going on before I go interrogate everyone who’s ever talked to you” 

Toni let her tears fall, she was no longer trying to keep herself composed. Cheryl could say she wouldn't leave her as many times as she wanted but the pink haired girl would always have her insecurities. Everyone in her life has left in some way, whether it be death or just growing apart. She was always on edge and waiting for the moment things would turn bad.

The “breakup” the two had gone through really threw Toni for a loop. She just wanted to take astep back from her girlfriend and she will admit that most of her time was spent with the Pretty Poisons but its just she felt herself relying on cheryl so much. Besides Cheryl she no longer really had anyone. The serpents were no longer in her life and that used to be her family. Having someone that she relied so heavily on scared her. So she needed to take a step back. If something were to go wrong and the two were to split up, like they briefly did, Toni wouldn't have anyone. 

Toni didn't have anywhere to go after the argument with cheryl. She didn't have her friends anymore. So, she had to go back to her uncle. And he was not very inviting…. But she needed a place to stay. That is where the abuse came into play again.

So the flinching was back. The abuse she tried so hard to get away from was now in the forefront of her mind. She was on edge.

Toni reached up to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “You can tell me that you wont leave me but I don’t know that for sure… I love you so much but I don't know that.” Toni took a deep breath readying herself to finally share something about her past with Cheryl. “Do you remember how I told you my Uncle wasn’t supportive of me dating girls?” Cheryl gave her a small nod and Toni decided to continue on. “When we…..When we broke up….I had to stay somewhere. That somewhere happened to be with him.” She looked down in her lap and let a few more tears fall. “There is some things you don't know about my past and he is some of it. He used to abuse me. That's why I started couchsurfing.” 

Cheryl stayed silent for a second, just looking into Toni’s eyes. She stood up, leaving her hand in her girlfriends for as long as possible before speed walking into her bedroom and back. She rummaged through her nightstand drawer, and finally pulled out a small box. Inside was a ring. It wasn’t some special family heirloom, nana rose had already given that to Jason. But it was a ring. Cheryl had bought it with her own money, it wasn’t huge or anything, just a topaz stone on a rose gold band. She had originally gotten it to be a promise ring, right before her and Toni had broken up, but what better use for it than right now. 

Cheryl rushed back out to Toni, kneeling down in front of her on the floor. “Well now you do babe. I’m really never leaving you. The only way I’m leaving your side for the rest of my life is if I’m dead” she told her, holding the box open. “I love you more than you’ll ever know so, Antoinette Marie Topaz” she started “when we get out of this damn high school, will you marry me?” She said nervously, placing her hand on Toni’s leg. “I swear that I will never let anyone hurt you ever again” 

To say that Toni was shocked would be an understatement. She never thought that her expressing her feelings and deep issues to the love of her life would result in a marriage proposal. She knew for a fact that she loved Cheryl with everything that she had but she wasn't sure if she wanted to take the leap in such a big direction yet. Everything was still new, they were still learning about each other. As much as Toni wanted to say yes she also wanted to say not yet. 

This act from Cheryl was definitely an indication that she did plan to actually stay around. Toni was glad for that. 

So here Toni sat, with her mouth hanging open in an O shape, sharing ahead into her pleading girlfriends eyes. She knew she was about to break her heart, and she really didn't want to. 

“Cheryl...honey…” as soon as the disapproving tone left Toni’s mouth she saw the sad look take over Cheryl's features and knew she wanted to regret this. “I love you so much...I really do…..but I can't say yes to this.” she mentioned to Cheryl on her knees in front of her. “I don’t mean I won’t say yes ever….but just not now. We are still learning about each other and i want to be able to take this slow before we just on that train.” she gave Cheryl a sad look. “Do you understand?”

Cheryl sat there and listened, even if she was a little sad, but she did understand. “Hey, Yeah, yes i get it, I understand. I don’t care if we go fast or slow, whatever you want I’m here for. I just wanted to show you how much I love you, and that I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.” She smiled, climbing back up onto the couch next to her. “I’ve got your back, whenever you need me, whenever you want me, I’m by your side. Where you go, I go” she told her. “But the ring, keep it. Take it as a promise ring.”

“Now come here beautiful” she let out a small chuckle and let Toni lean into her. She pulled her onto her lap and leaned back into the couch, kissing her head and closing her eyes for a second. “I love you” she mumbled as she started to drift off, her head buried in Toni’s hair.


End file.
